Connie Durham (00:26.318)
Everyone is not a responsible, empowered adult. They're not empowered to love another person because they've never seen such a relationship before themselves. Or they have had a crisis.
Connie Durham (01:01.024)
Everyone is not a responsible, empowered adult. They are not empowered to love another person because they've either not seen such a relationship themselves or have had such crisis in their lives. They've gone inward in order to survive. What if you marry someone like that? Well, I'm Connie Durham, your host of The Extraordinary Marriage, and I welcome you to the second episode of the Empowered series that I am doing.
There's also another part to this. It's called the formula for forgiveness. Also came from the same book, Empowered to Love. All right, the other day my husband was at a funeral and you know, usually funerals are quiet and subdued. People are respectful. But this is a great example of that person who's not empowered to be a responsible adult. They literally can't help it because something's gone on in their life and they're just helpless.
And it's like I said to someone who was arguing with a person like this at one point, you can't argue with a brick wall. Have you heard that saying? Yeah, you cannot argue with a brick wall. They're not at that brick wall is not absorbing what you're saying. They're not analyzing. They're not thinking about what you're saying because they are not able. So if you're married to one of those, if you could picture your spouse as not a
That's going to help with your frustration. Don't you agree? Well, at this funeral,
It was somebody from out of town. All the kids came in from out of town for their parents' funeral. And there were unusual things that happened. Like somebody came in and they were sitting in the back of the church waiting for the funeral and a girl went ballistic on them. You know, you don't know the story. You don't know if it was an ex-boyfriend, an ex-husband, somebody had done her wrong, done a mother wrong, done somebody else wrong.
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but she went ballistic and an empowered adult would know.
to hang onto your emotions. Be respectful. You're at a funeral. But this person was not a responsible adult. And they're an example of many, many people we see in social media from TikTok to Facebook to, I usually think those people are on Instagram, are they? Anyway, they're all over the place. They have not been empowered to be a responsible adult. So what happens if you marry one of those? So often it ends in divorce.
But it doesn't have to if you start to look for help even one person looking for answers Can make a difference well in episode 109 we talked about seeing our spouse through God's eyes You know how does God see us?
I truly believe that that is one of my superpowers because it's not something everybody can do is to look at somebody who is mean or fussy or criticizing or they're always yelling or they're unhappy or they're coming against you all the time to be able to look at those people to look at a kid a child who's really having trouble behaving there's always something else behind it this is something I've learned in the
and the last years, there's always something behind it. And maybe, probably, they just can't help themselves. So how does God see your spouse? If you're a godly person, you have faith, you have a connection with God, then you're gonna know what I'm talking about. But even as human beings, we have to stop and think about that because our natural inclination is to get angry ourselves.
Connie Durham (05:01.108)
frustrated ourselves whenever this kind of thing comes upon us. So how do we look at our spouse through God's eyes and see maybe a hurting person instead of a person who is coming against us?
Well, let's see today we're beginning the care cycle and then in next month's episode, we'll continue the care cycle because one important thing is that we have to care for ourselves before we can probably see our spouse sing through God's eyes. Why? Because we react and that's another podcast that's coming out after that care cycle. We react, we can't help it. We're human.
feelings are hard. I have noticed it's much easier to give advice when you're not the one in the middle of it. Yeah, because I've had a time or two where I had something come, you know, on me like that. And I know.
to love on that person anyway, what happens is when they're hurting your feelings, they're crushing you. It's hard, but if you really rely on God and go to God and pray about that and pray for that person, it will make a difference. All right, so today we're beginning the care cycle and that's where we examine ourselves and we check out our ESPM. What is that? It is short for
This is to remember, and if you can write it down, do emotional, spiritual, physical, mental well-being. Think about it. What do you lose? When you do lose your cool at the store, at work, or with the kids, how are you feeling? Yeah, usually we're tired or we're hungry or we're stressed about something else and we lose our cool with the kids or with our spouse. Well, I'm gonna give you two steps today in preparing for next
Connie Durham (07:03.872)
month's episode of Empowering Couples, the Care Cycle. Not sure if I'm going to name it that yet or not, but it's part of the Empowering Couples series. So today I'm going to guide you in creating your very own B list. B list. B list. B list is focusing on your unique God given design, your unique God given design, and maybe your spouse's unique God given design. So,
So often we judge ourselves according to others. That sounds familiar, doesn't it? Yeah. Social media, the other successful people at church, the successful people at work, other women who look like they have it all together. But the truth is, don't we all look like we have it all together sometimes when we're really feeling not so much on the inside? So when ESPM, emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental state, when it's
low we don't have any energy we get frustrated easy we have no patience we can't tolerate things what if their spouse comes in and your ESPM is low you know you're just going to react
However that is, whether it's to scream and yell back or whether it's to go in your turtle shell. You know, you're gonna react. But what if your care cycle's high? Your emotional, spiritual, physical, mental state is high. You're on top of the world. You've had a great day.
Hopefully you can handle the challenges in life easier, right? Yeah, you can handle them easier. Next is we expect our spouse to be the same as us. Yeah, you know if I'm good at house cleaning, which I'm not perfect at that, but if I'm great at house cleaning and I keep everything perfect and into its place, I am organized. I expect my spouse to put his things away and be organized in the same way.
Connie Durham (09:10.546)
If I'm good at analyzing and figuring it out or being thoughtful of people, I expect my spouse to be that same way. So if I, you know, it's kind of like gift giving and the love languages, they're all different, right? We are not all alike.
So when we expect our spouse to be the same as us, yeah, you're gonna be disappointed. You're gonna be disappointed. But guess what? It takes two slightly different people to make the best team. Two people who are just alike really don't make the best team. So we expect them to be just like us. We expect them to think like we do.
Think like we do. I know you're shaking your head. No, my spouse does not think the same way that I do. And act the same. That goes back to the fact that some people are very quiet. Some people are very talkative. Some people like to read a book to fill their cup. And other people like to be out with some friends making conversation to fill their cup. We all act differently and we respond differently. Some have a quick temper.
Some have no temper and they might be a little bothered and you don't know that they're bothered. So we expect our spouse to be just like us. So are you ready to take action and step out of the chaos? Check out my next Rediscover Your Spouse workshop online because it's coming up and I'm not gonna give the date because this podcast will go on and on and there'll be different times for that Rediscover. But there's one coming up usually and you can go
to theextraordinarymarriage.com and find the next Rediscover Your Spouse podcast. Because even one person paying attention and learning these things will make a big difference because it'll help you not react.
Connie Durham (11:10.35)
and not be in what we call the reactive cycle. Gonna be learning that in a couple months. All right, so how important is it to stay connected to God for full empowerment in order to love your spouse? We hardly have the ability when somebody's in our face yelling, or we hardly have the ability when they're not helping with anything and we feel like the whole load has been dumped on us. But Proverbs 3, 5, 6 says, lean on,
Trust in and be confident in the Lord. Every, let's say with all your heart, pardon me, let me do that again.
Proverbs 3, 5 through 6 says, lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord. With all your heart and mind, do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways, recognize and acknowledge him, and he will direct and make straight and plan your path.
Sometimes it's not instant, but when you have a shoulder to lean on, it sure does help. In the book Empowered to Love, that's what all this whole series is based upon, Cindy Irwin, a therapist, developed a powerful way for people to explore their true identity. And I will tell you, quite often as women, we beat ourselves up with our words. We tell ourselves all the things we
think we don't do well and maybe sometimes we don't do those well. But would you be friends with someone if they were telling you all the things that you don't do well, beating you up all the time? No, you wouldn't like them. So what happens? We start to literally not like ourselves. We start to not like ourselves as we beat ourselves up with our words. So it's very important to refocus your attentions. Refocus your
Connie Durham (13:13.866)
your on what you do well, what your spouse does well. Yeah, do you see my point there? All right, so Cindy's thing, I'm gonna be sharing that with you today, and it's a tool, and it'll help you embrace your unique strengths, gifts, and personality in order to live empowered.
and bring wholeness to your marriage. There's that word, empowered. Because when things are going on, our power decreases, right? We are less powerful, we are less able. But when we are doing things like you're doing right now to empower ourselves, it helps. Learn to look at your spouse through God's eyes. So as I went out to walk the other day, I looked up and I saw a few
apple blossoms off my apple tree coming out. And I was like, they're so pretty. And I just stopped. I love the first signs of spring as they start to show up. And I sat there and I just looked at the flowers. Then I looked up into the tree to see if there were any more. Well, as I looked up into the tree, you know, I really, didn't see any more blooms. I thought, these must be the first ones coming out. That must be it. Well, I walk up and down my driveway for exercise because I've
a very long driveway, so I was doing my walking and as I headed back up the driveway, I looked up and I saw that tree full of blossoms. I was like, what? Full of blossoms? How could I not see those when I was close up? Well, that's a good example of how...
our vision and what we see, we only see what's right in front of us. What's frustrating us. We see all the things that frustrate us about our spouse instead of seeing the whole picture. Seeing the things that our spouse is doing. The whole picture, all those blossoms up in that tree, but I couldn't see them when I was very close up one in one right in front of them.
Connie Durham (15:25.438)
So remember to learn to look at the whole picture and think about what your spouse does right. And yeah, I know there's those things the spouse does wrong, but think about the things that your spouse does right.
And also for yourself, remember to focus on what you do right also. It'll just change your perspective. Just this one thing. In my Rediscover Your Spouse class, you really start to identify your differences.
And once you identify them, you're like, I remember some years ago, there was a lady in a meeting that I was in and I was sharing this information. And at the end, she was like a professional woman, sharp woman. And at the end, she said,
That's why my husband does doo doo doo doo doo. And it's bothered her all these years. She'd been married 25 years. All these years because she didn't understand and she took that as an insult for herself, a problem for herself instead of understanding this is who he was. Rediscover Your Spouse gives you a whole new perspective and it gives you hope.
Sometimes we have to step away, like I said, to be able to see the big picture. All right, so chapter three of the book, Empowered to Love, identity and purpose, shifting from reactive self-criticism to celebrating your positive God-given design and the qualities. So today, as we work on the B-list, I'm gonna guide you through that. This tool's gonna help you embrace your unique
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wiring. Your unique wiring. Your strengths, gifts, personality.
to live empowered, bring wholeness to your marriage. Now this is just a first step to kind of change your thoughts, change your thing, your mind upon things. The rediscover your spouse, that really changes your perspective. But this is just a first step. So as we finish up today, I'm gonna help you create your B list by reflecting on positives, not flaws. Empower yourself by affirming these things daily. So here we go.
Thank
The first step, I'm gonna give you two steps. Your first step is to pray and reflect. Now you might not be a Christian and you're like, great, here's one of those, she's sharing that stuff about God. You know what, still stick with me, stick with me, all right? So as we do this, pray and reflect because when we're in the moment, we are kind of disabled by the turmoil, the negative energy, the hurt, and in that moment, we're just crushed when things are going on in our relationship.
But in Genesis 1 27, so God created mankind in his own image in the image of God. He created them male and female. He created them. You know, this affirms that every person has an intrinsic value. Dignity because we reflect God's image. God made us in his image. But remember that humans were giving they were given their own choice. And often according to what family you're raised in,
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you learn different kinds of things. learn good choices or you learn bad choices by watching your parents. So I don't know where you came from, what your family was like, but you want to pray about that and reflect upon it. In 1 Samuel 16, seven, the Lord does not look at the things people look at. Aren't we glad people look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. God
values our inner character over external appearances, but.
Many times our hearts are hurt. They've been hurt and hurting people hurt others. This, if you're having challenges, big challenges, probably your spouse is a hurting person and hurting people hurt others. You might even be part of this, but not usually as the person who's looking for help, the person causing the most trouble, but we have to look at ourselves first before we look at the other person. So do I see you nodding? When hurting people hurt us,
we lash out defending ourselves. This is called the reactive cycle and we're going to be doing that and some future podcasts. The reactive cycle. First you got to care for yourself, figure out how to take care of yourself and we're doing that this this week and next month and that podcast.
The care cycle that we begin today is mastered, will help when you master it, it'll help you out of the reactive cycle. Be sure to catch next month's care cycle and after that, the reactive cycle, whenever it's released. First thing, check your ESPM. And like I said, I'm gonna say it over and over because it's so important. It is short for emotional.
Connie Durham (20:47.222)
Spiritual, physical, and mental. Whenever you think about your emotional part, think about your mood. You know, happy, sad. How much patience do you have, right? What is your emotional status? Is there an energy there? You're moving forward through your day, or you're just making it.
Spiritual, are you connected to God? Physical, that is your eating, your sleeping, your exercising, taking care of yourself. So often as moms, you know, as moms often we just don't stop.
Even myself, I have a few different things going on and a few irons in the fire right now. And I think I just need to stop. And what I find is if I could stop for 10 minutes, you know, and just chill for a few minutes, maybe sit outside, watch a little HGTV, you know, that's the good thing about Netflix and that kind of thing. Or Rediscover or Rediscover or Discovery. You can just watch 10 minutes and stop it and go back and catch the same spot. But stop for 10 minutes and rest.
And that goes along with your physical, like I said, physical eating, sleeping, exercise, and then your mental wellbeing, resilience, positive, adaptive. During outburst and turmoil in your home, what's the status of your ESPN? Yeah, what's the status of your spouse? Yeah, I call that the crazy cycle.
I call that the crazy cycle. And in here in the book, it's called the reactive cycle. But I call it the crazy cycle because whenever he's upset about something like or nothing, he's just upset and he's taken out on you. call that gaslighting. Then you're upset and then you're both yelling and it just goes round and round and round.
Connie Durham (22:42.412)
You can't change theirs, but you can change yours. So my son-in-law, Michael, who went through the process in a class and it changed his life, just learning the care cycle. he'll be sharing on that next month.
Learning the care cycle helps you control yourself or understand what's causing the really big problem. All right, so here's how want you to pray. Daily ask God to refresh your spirit and fill your needs. Then pray for your spouse.
If you examine yourself and you are not the one that's full of anger, acting irresponsibly, unable to work with the other person, your spouse is hurting, lashing out at you, and it's all they're capable of doing. It's all they can do. Pray, pray, pray for them, and that God would heal their heart and spirit. And with this, you'll begin the change in your marriage.
All right, I'm going to give you the three key questions so that you can create your B list. And if you can grab a pen or a pencil and some paper or take some notes on your phone.
Do that now so you can get this or you can go back and listen again. Answer positively. Really think about each and write down the questions so that you can do these things and grab that paper later because you probably can't do it this minute or keep up if you're watching this live. All right. Number one, what positive qualities do others affirm in you?
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What six words would you say describe your character? This is not your title or what you do. Yeah, our esteem gets attached and our confidence attached to our title or what we do.
but it is six words that describe your character, positive qualities that affirm you. And you might know, like I know my positive qualities, right? And you might write those right down. Or it might be things that other people affirm in you. All right, here's some examples. Supportive friend, you're a supportive friend who lovingly lends an ear to others.
You might be a creative problem solver who brings fresh ideas and challenges.
You might be an encourager who lifts up others with encouraging words of faith and affirming them, right? Some single words would be, you might be consistent, honest, merciful, creative, compassionate, organized, a visionary, honest, authentic, patient, or flexible. You might Google the words, positive character traits, that
but you can kind of run through them and go, this one's me, this one's me, this one's me. But first think about the ones that others have affirmed in you. Hopefully you have someone in your life that affirms you and shows you appreciation. The second question is what strengths emerge in your best moments of success? Not just every day, but your best moments of success. Sometimes when you stepped out and you did something that was a little harder, something you knew to
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you that you've not done before. What kind of things come forward in that? So you're going to pick two of those that best describe you when you put your best foot forward. When you put forward a bit of extra effort. Some examples would be, hmm, I'm resilient under pressure, staying calm and faithful. Well, I have to say, I do not have that one.
I mean, I'm always calm. I'm not calm, but I am faithful. I do continue on, but I do not like pressure, so I wouldn't have that one. Another one is generous giver of time, resources reflecting God's heart. My husband would have that one because he's a servant that goes along with his personality style, his behavior style. Joyful connector who builds community effortlessly. That person who's talkative whenever you go out and maybe you have a need for something else and they're like, look,
Listen, I know such and such that can help you with that. That's a joyful connector that builds community effortlessly. So when you're writing these down, you can write down a sentence like this, or you can use words. Other words might be open, adventurous, competitive, depend on God.
These are areas to grow. is number three. Number three. These are areas to grow. What qualities do you believe God wants to be true of you? What these areas are to grow. What qualities do you believe God wants you to have to grow? What are true of you? All right. So choose one or two.
that God would like you to develop. These are those ones where we're like, yeah, I'm no good at this. If I could do this, I would be a better person. If I have more patience, I'd be a better person. If I had a better memory, I'd be a better person. If I stepped out of my comfort zone, I'd be a better person. So what might that be for you? Maybe you need to be empathetic.
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You know, I often think that when people have no empathy, they're just kind of stuck thinking only about themselves. And if we are there, we want to move past that. Right. Maybe God wants you to be a visionary leader, inspiring positive change. But you're like, why me? I'm not good enough to do that. What would he want of you? Maybe he wants you to be gracious, thankful to others. All right. So what qualities do you believe God wants to be true of you? Something you just ain't got right.
now. Now I'm going to put a little picture of this up and it so you can actually see it if you're on YouTube but I'm going to read it for those of us who are just on the podcast and there's no visual. So an example might be the top six right here for the husband.
Looks like there's five husbands design. He might say, I'm fun loving, passionate, devotive, creative and sensitive. And then for his two, he says, I'm open and adventurous. And his last two, God wants me to be kind and courageous. Hmm. All right. Example, book gave for the wife's design was the first five loyal, hardworking, rambunctious, caring and generous. So she describes herself that way.
And then if she steps out on her best foot, she puts in that little bit of extra effort, she's competitive and thoughtful. That might mean usually thoughtful is not too easy for her. Or she's not competitive until she just really gets going, right? And then God wants her to be courageous.
same as the husband so they got that in common. Courageous and he wants her to depend on God. So could that be the answer for you today that God says hey you need to depend on me? No there's no way to figure out exactly what's going on in your marriage by yourself.
Connie Durham (30:28.596)
And often you need another point of view. Somebody who's gone before you, might be a great mentor, a pastor, a good friend, you know, that doesn't breathe a word to anyone else. Or you can even talk to me. It's called Fresh Insights. And there's an opportunity to get an hour with me on my webpage, theextraordinarymarriage.com. You can check that out. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times.
Always with the same person. Mignan McLaughlin. And I could tell you that. I've been married 46 years. And I have an anniversary coming up. And you know, there's the ups and downs always in marriage. You know, you first get married and my gosh, it's just all about each other, making a home, figuring out how to pay your bills, you know, getting that apartment or house, making sure your job, you figure out a budget. I mean, there's
of any things that happen in those first few years. And then quicker for some, not for others, you start having kids. And now you're dealing with children. Now both you and your spouse are dealing with kids, maybe juggling the kids and taking turns with the kids, whatever goes on in your house with that. Those things make a difference too on how happy people are in marriage. Later, you you got teenagers. Well, and then if you trained your kids well and you taught them integrity and
and then all of a sudden they're gone off to college. They're getting married.
They get married. Sometimes they come back home. Sometimes they come home with kids. Sometimes they get married again and they go out. Yeah, it is a roller coaster. But when you take God as your partner and you know, you always have that Abedetti shoulder that you can lean on whenever there's nobody else. You you speak to God, you pray to God, you have that relationship. You can make it. You can make it. But you have to sometimes look for answers and ask.
Connie Durham (32:45.936)
anyone needs everybody needs to feel valued yeah everybody needs to be feel valued and sometimes we just have to concentrate on the effort I learned that whenever I was in Mary Kay cosmetics I was a sales director and as a consultant too you know sometimes you're putting out a lot of effort you're putting out a lot you're doing all kinds of things and you're like nothing is working so sometimes you have to concentrate on the effort
that you are putting in. Are you learning? Are you growing? Are you finding a way? Making a way? Yeah, don't just sit down and take it. Find some support. While you wait for the next episode, I encourage you if you missed the first episode, Empowered Couples, if you'll look that up, I do believe it is maybe 109.
109 or 110 and it's the first one of this series. This is the second. And then there's one I made earlier last year that I pulled this from the book before I decided to do a whole series and it's episode 96. It is the formula for forgiving because if there's been great big challenges and smaller things that just...
eat you alive that irritate you, you have to learn to forgive. And how do you do that? How do you forgive someone? It might even be a parent who you feel like just didn't give you the love and encouragement and opportunities that you think they should. So episode 96, the formula for forgiveness. All right. And 109, stop reacting and start loving intentionally.
I will see you next time. Have an awesome week.
