Connie Durham (00:13.944)
God designed marriage to be a team sport. And when you are on the same team, there are only two possible outcomes. And that is either you both win or you both lose. I'm Connie Durham with The Extraordinary Marriage. And today I'm gonna share a little bit about how to have a win-win marriage. And often we're simply unaware of what is
Holding us back from our best self, holding us back from our self-marriage. There's simply things that you're just unaware of. Well, yesterday I saw an a grandpa hugging and loving on his little grandbaby boy. Well, it was so sweet. I happened to be right behind him and he was just smoodling that little baby. You know how we do with babies, they're so sweet. Well, guess what? That little baby's face.
was getting all scrunchy while that grandpa hugged on him because guess what? That grandpa had a really good looking, nice, nice beard. And he wasn't thinking about how scratchy that beard was on his sweet little baby. He had no idea. And you know what? Sometimes marriage is a little like that. Maybe we have a behavior that really ticks off our spouse
Or they have something that really irritates us. You see what I'm saying here? Well, today I wrote a blog, and it was called Virtue, Vigor, and Vitality in Marriage. And it kind of got me thinking as I wrote it. Today we're going to identify some big behavior dividers that you may be unaware of, and I'm going to give you seven ways.
To win in your marriage, no matter what your challenges are. What happens if you don't even know what virtue is? What if you don't even know? Well, when we're unaware of something, we can't fix it. When we don't even realize it, it's there, we can't fix it. And often we're simply not self-aware.
Connie Durham (02:37.451)
We are usually aware of anything our spouse does that bothers us. Yes, we are. So I'm gonna share how you can finally understand your spouse better at the end today. So be sure and listen to the end. Fortunately for me in my childhood, you know, I had a good family. My parents got along, they knew how to communicate and discuss things.
Maybe my dad wanted to please my mom, so he behaved because I'm sure she told him all the things that bothered her. And so, you know, he took those into account. But sometimes people don't and they're not willing to do that. But mine was good. And as I was a kid, I started out in church. And so I was very fortunate to learn the foundational things that God has for us because ultimately the Bible tells you.
Everything you need to know. Yeah, there's some confusing passages. There's the Old Testament, the New Testament, and sometimes it's a little hard to understand, but you just have to figure out where to start reading it. But I went to church, my parents, my mother played the piano at church, and so we went to church all the time. So I had that good foundation of what is right and what is wrong. And we live in a world today where sometimes people do not know the difference. If you don't have that good foundation,
You can be misled. Yeah. You're like, it's like you're blind. You have no idea. All right. So I had a good upbringing. So I was very fortunate on that. And then I met my husband and we met in high school. We were both in chorus. We both love music. And we always got along good. He's very considerate.
I try to be considerate. There again, those things I learned as a child to be thoughtful and kind and to think about other people, right? So he also was a big churchgoer. He came from a good family, and they were at church two to three times every single week. So I was kind of fortunate because we had those good foundational virtues. You know, what is that? Virtuous, kind, thoughtful.
Connie Durham (04:54.967)
Good to the other person, thinking about the other person, not just thinking about yourself. So, what are some habits or behaviors, maybe from your parents, that you unconsciously brought into your marriage? Have you thought about their that? You know, was your childhood everything you wanted? You know, nobody's perfect, parents aren't perfect, I wasn't perfect raising my kids, nobody is. And so
You know, a lot of times we carry a little something here or there that carries into our adulthood that is a little thorn in the side, gives us a little bit of trouble. You know, do you have any of that? Are there habits from your family that you brought forward that you really thought that you would leave behind? You meant to leave them behind, but you're you unconsciously you didn't realize it and hey, they're sticking with you.
They're right there with you. So I want you to answer that question for yourself. And today as we go through this, there's going to be a few questions. It's kind of like self-coaching, thinking about your life, thinking about your marriage, and figuring out what can make it better. And if you're listening to this, it's really unlikely that it's all perfect because when things are all perfect, we don't search for any answers, do we? Only whenever there are some challenges. But it's okay. It's normal. Most people have some kind of challenges in their marriage, and you are in the right place.
The next question is, are there specific triggers? Have you noticed certain triggers or situations that lead to conflict? You know, if you can figure out the root cause, you might be able to keep from doing the things that cause emotional havoc in your marriage. Well, one a few things that I have found that always cause trouble is not listening.
Not listening. And that might mean that you're a talker and you're just sharing everything that's gone on with you and you haven't even really thought to listen to the other person. Or it might be the other way around. And your spouse comes in and you're talking about your day. You want to tell them all about everything that's gone on, and they're not listening. And when somebody's not listening, it makes you feel like they don't care, right? I thought you're shaking your head. Yeah.
Connie Durham (07:11.925)
If they're not listening, you kind of feel like they don't care. Well, it's not always true. Some people are just not good listeners. You gotta train yourself sometimes. And I know whenever I have a house full of family and I have a lot of grandkids over, my house is crazy wild. I hear nana, nana, nana, nana. And it's hard to keep my attention on one person when everybody's calling my name. we were going to dinner the other night and
There was a dad and he was looking at some things out in front of the restaurant with his two little girls, kind of killing some time until their name got called to go and eat. And I heard, Daddy, Daddy, look at this, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. And if you're a mom, you relate to that. Mom, mom, mom, right? I said to him, I said, I bet I know what your name is. It's daddy, isn't it? Anyway, he started laughing and he was feeling it. Yeah. But sometimes, you know, we're not listening. He was listening.
His girls had his eyes. He was paying attention. But remember to be a good listener if you want a good listener. And it might be something you have to address with your spouse. Now, talking down to each other. Yeah, talking down to each other. Sometimes it's in sarcasm, it's in frustration, or is a two or terribly bad habit where you talk down to the other person. I think when somebody talks down to somebody that they think they're better than the other person. Or
It's a self-protection method. You talk down to that person and elevate yourself. Either way, it's not a good thing. Uncontrolled anger is a divider. Uncontrolled anger and anger is a top emotion. there are four top emotions, and I go into those in rediscover your spouse. And if your top emotion is anger, that means you get angry about.
everything and your spouse is thinking, I didn't do anything. What's the matter? Or do you even care about me anymore? Anger is a harsh thing. I have said before when I've dealt with people with terrible, terrible anger, is as if they walk into the room, they're ready to explode before you even talk to them. And once they explode it's like they throw yeah BS
Connie Durham (09:36.118)
All over everyone in the room. Now you feel terrible and they brush themselves off and they straighten up and they feel better and they walk away because they exploded and the explosion went all over everyone else. Dividing per behaviors are perfection. Sometimes we are wired. We need everything in its place. We need everyone to do things a certain way, and we're wired that way.
And that can be a divider, especially if you're opposite. Especially if you're opposite. Because you feel like the other person is throwing their stuff around or making a mess, or they're incapable, and you're frustrated about that. So perfectionism can be a divider, and you have to learn how to deal with it. Recognize it, deal with it. Another one is self-centeredness. Now, you know, when we're all two years old, we all had a little bit of that, right? That's my toy.
That's mine. But hopefully through the years, you've learned to share. You've learned to be thoughtful of the other person, whether it's at work or it's at home, especially at home, right? But you've learned to be thoughtful of the other person. And yeah, we're all a little self centered sometimes, but we must be aware of it and watch out for that at home, that it's not a divider. Make every effort.
To add your faith, goodness and to goodness, knowledge and to knowledge, self-control and to self-control, perseverance and to perseverance, godliness, and to godliness, mutual affection and to mutual affection love. And that's from the book of Second Peter, and that's one five through seven. So how do you express your needs to your spouse? And do you feel heard by your spouse?
How do you express your needs? Did you know that we all have different needs? There's actually a book that his needs, her needs, and it talks about all the different needs. Basically, there's 10 different needs. there's five that most of the time they're like they're top for men, and there's five that are usually top for women, but it is not always the same because all our personalities are different, we all have different preferences, and so.
Connie Durham (12:03.445)
You can learn those top 10 needs and figure out which ones are yours and which ones are your spouse's. Because when you feel those top needs of your spouse, the things that are most important to them, you can kind of move past some of your personality differences and learn to meet in the middle and participate in what's important to your spouse, and they participate in what's important to you.
Because the important thing is that you and your spouse have the most fun together. And to be honest, some people just aren't fun. And other people are a lot of fun. But if you can find the things you have in common, you can find the things that bring you both joy and that you can do together. It's important to do these things together with your spouse. Now, you know, sometimes people are easy.
And sometimes they're just unable to listen to the other person. But it's important to listen and to share what you need most in your marriage to keep you together for you to both have a win-win situation, right? All right. Another question you can ask yourself: what unspoken expectations do you have of each other that might be causing frustration? It might be.
Who cooks most of the time? You know, I don't always like to cook. I've been cooking for many years. I did learn how to do it, but I always like to eat. I always like to eat, but sometimes I don't want to cook. But who cooks? You know, who cleans? Who does the yard? gotta divide up the chores. Sometimes people have lack of patience. Sometimes their expectations are too high. I really find that people that have high expectations, it's what they expect of their self.
And then they expect their spouse to be the same way. But did I say our personalities are different? Our behaviors are different. Yeah. Our personalities are different, meaning we are not the same. And so we're not going to be good at the same things. So lack of patience, high expectations, and not understanding how to communicate can really cause a lot of frustration in marriage.
Connie Durham (14:29.261)
All right, learn those behaviors that I'm telling you about in rediscover your spouse. It's a class I have online. All right, another question is Are there times when you talk down to each other or dismiss each other's feelings? Are there times that you talk down to each other or just dismiss each other's feelings? You know, some people are thinkers and some people are feelers. I feel like I'm kind of in the middle. I do both, but I'm
Definitely a feeler. I was teaching a Sunday school class yesterday and I had some kids come in on the last 10 minutes. They sat right in front of me, really close. One of them was in a bit of a mood, probably because they'd had to crawl out of bed and they didn't really want to. And I could feel their emotions. I could feel their frustration. I could feel whether they wanted to be there or they didn't want to be there. And if you're a feeler, that's how it is.
You know, you wear your emotions maybe on your sleeve, you know. but if you're a thinker, you might not be paying attention to what your spouse needs from you on there. So are there times that you talk down to each other and dismiss each other's feelings? Sometimes it's the blame game. Some people have a tendency to blame other people. Maybe they didn't learn when they're a kid. Take responsibility. It's not that person's fault, it's your own.
And sometimes it is the other person's fault, but sometimes people play the blame game and they always blame somebody else. And frustration can also bring sarcasm. That doesn't always work too well either. So are you talking down to each other? You know, are there frustrating feelings going on? Another thing is in what ways do you prioritize your individual needs over your partnership, over your partners?
In what ways do you prioritize your individual needs over your partner? Now, first of all, we have to fill our own cup. I can't lean on my partner and expect him to fill my cup to keep me happy, keep me motivated, give me stuff to do, whatever it is I need. I can't depend on him to do that. So I do have to do that myself. But we want to be considerate of one another's needs. We want to take turns being first.
Connie Durham (16:51.105)
You know, and whenever you're working with kids, you know, there's always one or two kids who run and jump in front of the line, no matter if they came from the back or or come came from another room. They run and jump into the front of the line that they deserve to be front on everything. Yeah. We want to be considerate. We want to take turns. We're adults, right? we want to meet in the middle. What are some negative patterns that you've noticed?
in your arguments and how can you work to change them? What are some negative patterns, like maybe things that set you off? It might be go back to that idea if you're a bit of a perfectionist and there's a mess all over everything and it just ticks you off and you're frustrated. if your spouse can meet you in the middle, they can't do everything right for you, but maybe they can meet you in the middle and
Do one thing. What's the most important thing that would keep you and your spouse from arguing? Sometimes people always have to be right. That's a little bothersome, isn't it? Sometimes somebody has to be always they have to be right. Or what if they have a tendency to get loud whenever they're frustrated? Or maybe they just close up and don't talk to you at all. What are some negative patterns that you've noticed?
In your arguments, yeah, it happens. And how can you work to change them? All right. Are you ready to build a win-win in your marriage? Well, I like to say change your thoughts, change your mind and change your actions. You gotta change your thoughts and how you think about your spouse, change your mind and change your actions. It's like one thing feeds the other.
So, how about communication? Now, this should be seven things that you could literally sit down and talk with your spouse about so that you can move past them. What do you need in communication? Do you need a lot of conversation? Do you need your spouse to really talk and sit down and listen to you? Well, you know, when when people come in from work, whether one spouse is coming in or whether both people are coming in from work, you're both probably tired about then. So sometimes you have to agree to be
Connie Durham (19:14.775)
cordial and maybe speak a few words to each other. One of you might be ready to chit chat and one may need quiet. And so talk about what your needs are in communication. Communication also is letting your spouse know when you're going to be late or when there's a special function coming up or that kind of thing. So communication covers a lot of different areas. Second one is empathy.
Learning that your spouse doesn't have the same emotions as you, and you need to be loving and kind and thoughtful, have a little empathy. Maybe they're having trouble with their knees or they're having trouble with the sinus headache or whatever it is. I have learned that I am more empathetic after I have had that problem myself. Yeah, but we don't want to.
have all the problems, do we? So remember to be thoughtful and kind so that you don't have to have that problem to be empathetic. You know, really listen and think about how you would feel if you were having whatever problem that is. Be empathetic. And that shows your spouse that you care. Teamwork, we kind of talked about that earlier. Let me read that first thing again. God designed marriage to be a team sport.
And when you are on the same team, there are only two possible outcomes. You both win or you both lose. All right. A lot of times when we're talking about teams, we're talking about the winning team and the losing team, but you're on the same team. And when you're on the same team, you both lose or you both win. And you have to learn to work together if
You wanna be on the winning team.
Connie Durham (21:13.823)
All right, so let's see where we were here. Shared goals. Talk about your dreams. Do you want to own a house? Always do you want to have kids? do you want to sit down and eat dinner tonight at night together? do you want to go on vacation one time a year? do you want to build us a house? Do you want to start a business? You know, what are your dreams and what do you want your life to look at, look like?
I mean, you could take one of these things each night and talk about it. Sometimes couples don't get around or even think about just talking about what they want in life and having a conversation about it. five, quality time. Spend at least 15 hours a week together. That might mean sleeping doesn't count, but that might mean eating breakfast together, eating dinner together, having a 15 minute conversation before work.
Maybe watching TV an hour together and it's 15 hours a week. That's seven days a week. So that's just over two hours each day. So that's really not so hard. When you don't spend any time together, it's like what did I always say to my husband? Out of mind, out of thought. I'm not sure if that is exactly how I said it, but it was like, if you're out of mind, out of sight, if you're out of sight, you're out of mind. That's what it was. Out of sight, out of mind.
If you're gone and away from me a whole lot and we don't spend any time together, I really grow distant. I kind of pull back a little bit, don't feel caught up quite as warm and fuzzy towards that person. It's like out of sight, out of mind. So it's important to spend 15 hours together every week, just making it a habit. And number six, celebrate each other's successes by encouraging one another. Are you a natural encourager?
Is your spouse? Sometimes they're not. And you learn that in Rediscover Your Spouse. that is my online class. Once you go through that class, take a bunch of notes. You might want to go through it again. You will learn about your differences. And sometimes those differences really divide you or hurt your feelings, and they won't so bad after you understand more about it. So learn to encourage one another, say nice things to each other.
Connie Durham (23:35.104)
And number seven, affection shows love and appreciation regularly to strengthen your bond. Appreciation. Honey, I appreciate your working so hard at work. Honey, I appreciate your mowing the grass. It looks great. honey, I appreciate your cutting those bushes. They look wonderful. Honey, I appreciate your help with the dishes. Yeah. And if you're a man, you gotta think of your own. Right? All right, honey, I appreciate it. Goes a long way.
So, what are some ways you can actively show appreciation for your spouse this week? If you took away one question, maybe that would be it. But I tell you what, I will I will take my questions from today and I'll put them at the bottom of the description on YouTube and on the podcast. All right. So if you want to go and grab those, copy and paste or whatever, I'll put those at the bottom of the description on the episode.
So finally, brothers, finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent and praiseworthy, yes, there are some things. Think about such things. And that's Philippians 4 8. Because often we get so focused on the things that frustrate us.
The things that exhaust us about our spouse, and we forget to focus on their good qualities. We forget what brought us together when we got married. We forget to show them that we love them and we care about them. And there's a thing that talks about women want to be loved and men want to be respected. And I think that goes both ways. But women want to feel loved.
And men want to feel respected. And whenever a man is not loving and sweetieweezy with his wife, not spending that 15 hours together, she starts to feel disrespected. Or maybe he talks down to her or doesn't spend time with her or doesn't listen. All of those things make her feel in loved, and then she may react by being disrespectful to the man.
Connie Durham (26:01.931)
And it's a cycle and it goes round and round and round. All right. All right. So you can learn to identify what pushes you apart and what brings you together in my online class. It is called rediscover your spouse. And so often people do not get help in their marriage because guess what? We don't want anybody to know when we're having trouble in our marriage. We don't want them to hear our fusses and
maybe how we treat each other sometimes, it might be embarrassing, right? But guess what? You can go right online and it's like nobody else knows. You go right online, take the class, and then if you should like some some personal help or a personal hour for me, you can sign up for Fresh Insights. It's a one hour coaching session. You can do most of the talking, tell me your challenges, you know, your desires, what you need.
And I'll see if I can help you. My name is Connie Durham. I am from the Extraordinary Marriage Podcast. I've been married 47 years. I have three grown kids that are married and 15 grandkids. I hope that you'll engage with that rediscover your spouse course because I took the time to do it because I know how much it helps. It'll help you with your spouse, it'll help you with yourself, but it'll also help you with your children.
And even help you understand your boss at work and your friends. Your mother-in-law, your father-in-law, maybe anybody you're not getting along with. All right. Thanks for listening and I'll see you next time.
