Episode 119 of The Extraordinary Marriage Podcast
Connie Durham (00:00)
Every so often I have to reassess lots of different things, like my eating habits. You know, I mean to eat greens and vegetables and fruits and all that kind of stuff. And I might start out like that, but at the end of the day, I end up eating junk food. I often have to reassess what I say yes to because often I say yes to too many things. And then I can't keep up and then I'm stressed out, and then life's not good.
I often have to reassess my budget, aka spending plan. I like that word better because, you know, one month I'm right on target and I'm spending, you know, the allowed amount. And another month, you know, we get a little too excited, find too many things we want, and we've overspent. So we have to stop and we have to reassess. We have to reassess our screen time. Yeah. Over and over because we get it.
And then we start messing it up again and we have to figure it out again. An important thing in marriage is to reassess how much time and whether it's quality time with your spouse. Are you enjoying one another? Are you having a good time together? Well, today we're reassessing our politics. We are diving into the marriage debate: Love Beyond Politics.
Why do I say this? Because I have heard so many people
Really like despising each other, not liking each other anymore. Just I mean it's killing their marriage. And so I decided it was time to kind of look at both sides of everything and then look at some ways that we can learn to listen and discuss things better in our marriage. So we're tackling the tough, tough conversations that matter most to couples today. And if you and your partner
Disagree on core politics or core values, your marriage may be in jeopardy. So, in this episode today, we're going to explore how couples can cultivate open-mindedness, create a safe space for respectful dialogue. Even if it's just for a few minutes. I love that word, respectful. I think if everybody is respectful of one another.
Treating each other the way you want to be treated, I think the world would go around a lot better. So we're gonna discuss the importance of listening to all sides, thinking critically. Have you thought of that? Have you reassessed your critical thinking? And making informed decisions together. Sometimes we have to agree to disagree, but your marriage and your family are surely more important than politics.
I know you all want the best America for your children, and the willingness to give and take will help ensure that. So listening is part of successfully working as a team. My favorite word: collaboration. Listening to both sides, thinking about it, really being open-minded, and coming together, making a decision. And like I said, sometimes you have to agree to disagree.
And just keep on going.
Stay with me as we discuss how today's rising empathetic need for public aid and economic equality are challenging the working class ideals of individual freedom and the right to capitalism that has made everything in America different from other countries. We're going to explore the implications for couples navigating different political backgrounds and how to create a safe, loving space for these conversations.
We're also then going to talk seven beliefs about capitalism, seven beliefs about socialism, and then we're going to finish with seven self-coaching questions that can help you establish a loving space
So stay tuned as we share insights and tips for building extraordinary marriages, even when faced with the complexities of modern political discourse. You ready to get started?
the first thing we're gonna look at today is how are our views developed? How are your views developed? What's made you think the things that you do? Where our political and economic beliefs are shaped by a variety of factors, including upbringing, education, culture, and personal experiences, family discussions, social influences, and exposure to different ideas.
Can significantly impact our perspectives. So as we grow, we encounter diverse viewpoints that challenge our initial beliefs, leading to a more nuanced understanding of complex ideas and issues. This is an ongoing process and it reflects on our evolving identities and the importance of critical thinking and shaping our views. So let's face it.
AI these days is putting out all kinds of information. One of my grandkids was telling me about something, I'm not gonna mention, but was telling me about something that they had saw, you know, probably in a TikTok video or somewhere. And the thing is, is that we have to be able to decipher what is real, what is true, and what is twisted. Yeah, what is real, what is true, and what is twisted.
Because it's getting hard to know what is real and what's not. So let's begin today with seven beliefs of capitalism. First of all, private property rights. Individuals have the right to own their own property, an opportunity to invest in their own home, securing their future, and the ability to retire and benefit from your work and investments. And it happens that my husband and I did that in our early years, we always felt like we didn't have any money.
To put anywhere except for to pay the bills and pay the stuff for the kids, doctors, insurance, all the different things you have to pay. And it's really a squeeze when you're young. But if you work hard, it gets a little easier and a little easier, or you get better at budgeting and not wanting so many things, right? We can't always have the latest phone. But we have that right to own property and decide, you know, what we're gonna be doing with that.
Later in life, we did invest in rental property and that paid off good for us. Number two, free market economy. Prices and production are determined by unrestricted competition between privately owned businesses. Well, I know just in the city next to me, I remember when I was going down the road and there was a drugstore right here on this corner, and then there was another drugstore on the other corner. I thought, good grief, you know, that's kind of rude.
Putting your business, the same kind of business, right beside of another business. But that's how capitalism is. Whoever has the best service, maybe the best marketing to bring people in, the best prices, or maybe you're positioned in the best position on the road to be able to turn in and get out. You never know what it is. But there is a free market economy and unrestricted competition keeps our prices.
Down. And so in capitalism, prices are set by competition. Now that brings me to number three: competition. Benefiting customers, definitely, like I just said, competition benefits customers, it encourages innovation and efficiency, making the best product, and it keeps the prices down. You know, if somebody's making a bad product and it tears up really quick, you know.
You're not gonna buy it anymore. I believe most people these days research things online for other people's reviews and what the best products are. Well, that's all part of the competition in capitalism. And it allows people to make the best product, to sell the most product, to be the most popular. Think about it. A lot of you buy iPhones. Do they have the best product? All right. Number four, customer choice.
Individuals have the freedom to choose how to spend their money. Thank you. And save, invest, travel. What do you want to spend your money? How do you spend your money? Now, side note: sometimes that's a challenge with couples. One believes in savings, one believes in spending. They're again finding that happy middle. And using the tips we're going to learn today at the end of this podcast.
To talk about your differences so you can figure out how you can bring those together. Compromise, collaborate, and compromise. Four, customer choice. Oops, just did that one. Number five, profit motive. Think about it. Do you change jobs for a higher wage? Do you work overtime in order to make some extra money? Well,
The same things for companies. The goal of a business is to maximize their profits, driving economic growth. So let's think about this because a lot of times, you know, we think about ourselves how we want to make more money and how we want to be wealthy and that kind of thing, but we don't think about a business and what it takes to run that business. We just think, wow, they're so successful. They've got a lot of money. They could give more taxes. They could do this, they can do that.
But if it was you who own the business, might you think differently? And we put ourselves in the place of the other person or whatever it is, we find ourselves thinking differently. So if you were hiring, would you want to hire the best person for the job? The hardworking person, the person that's gonna be honest with you, you know, not steal from you, the person with a lot of experience. or would you like to hire that person?
Don't know if we actually get this in the US or not, but would you like to hire that person who, when they have a baby, they can take 12 months off and you pay them and all their benefits, and you pay someone else to do their job while they're gone. Okay, that's in quotations. That's that's a beef. That's a thing. Because I've owned my own business and I do all the work, and I can't imagine having to pay someone else.
And somebody not working. All right. So you can erase that erase that if you're on the other side. Please don't hang up. Okay. But all right, so if you were hiring the best person, what would be important to you? Also, as a business with their profit motive going on, they have to pay attention to their overhead, their building, utilities, the cost of the product that they're selling. Yeah, they buy it for less and sell it for more, but it still is a part of the overhead.
Then they pay employees, they pay employees benefits, insurance, part of their social security, liability insurance. It goes on and on. And we, not being a part of a gigantic business who is making a bunch of money, have no idea at the expenditures that go out. So that's another part of having or needing to understand both sides.
Number six in the capitalism category, limited government intervention. The government should play a minimal role in our economy. You know, they like they should do safety for workers, accountability to make sure your employer pays you, keeping employers honest. There are things the government should do, but they have limited government intervention. Seven, individual freedom.
Emphasizes personal responsibility and the ability to make choices. in communist countries, they don't even get a choice of what kind of work they're gonna do. I mean, I love certain kinds of work and I despise other kinds of work. So I definitely want to be able to choose what I do. But individual freedom emphasizes personal responsibility and you get the ability to make choices. My parents taught me.
Work hard. Treat others with respect. No one owes me anything. And so maybe that's where I got a lot of my perspective on that. It's like up to me. It's according to me what I do, how hard I work. I have to say, sometimes I work really hard and don't get the income. Maybe that I think I should.
I do have the opportunity to do that. So with these freedoms comes opportunity. Now AI gave me the three top capitalist countries. So this came from AI, Singapore, Switzerland, and Ireland. And I was kind of disappointed because the United States was number nine. They were number nine. And it said.
It said that the US was the world's largest national economy, anchored by deep capital markets and consumer-driven capitalism. All right. So that's just seven things on capitalism. Just a little bit. And here are seven beliefs of a more socialistic government. I know I tried to think why are people interested in socialism? Sometimes they're giving loving people.
Who want everyone to have everything they need? I could see that. That's a good thought. That's a nice thought. they want, I think often when we're on the lower end of the spectrum and we're struggling and we're having trouble, we like the idea of socialism and socialistic ideas. but when you've worked hard over the years, earning your wage, making your way up.
Buying your house, maybe investing, saving some money. then you see the value of the other. All right, but socialistic government, collective ownership, collective ownership. And that means production should be owned collectively by the state. Government gets to tell you, tell you, you know, who gets to own, what, how things are owned, you know, taxes, the law, that's true anyway.
But collective ownership. Number two, economic equality. Yeah, that sounds good, doesn't it? It aims to reduce income and wealth disparities among citizens, trying to make sure that everybody has the same opportunities, the same monies, kind of lives in the same kind of houses. it it it it kind of levels the playing field. But what if you're a doctor and you spent eight years
Going to school, I mean, if we're going to the doctor, we want a good one, right? And now whether you were an expert in something or you just did your eight years more training, whatever, you all make the same money.
Or when you go to the doctor, you just get to pick amongst all the doctors that are in the registry, if it's, you know, government done. All right. So economic equality aims to reduce income and wealth disparities so that everybody does make the same money. So now whether like I said, whether you studied to be a doctor or maybe you build buildings, you're a dentist, you're a secretary.
the owner of a company, you know, how does that work? Number three, central planning. The economy is planned and controlled by the government. This is part of socialism. The economy is planned and controlled by the government. And some people might like that. Maybe they get lots of things from the government and they're like, this is pretty good. So it's really learning both sides and using that critical thinking and common sense and that kind of thing.
All right, four social welfare, it emphasizes the importance of social programs for health, education, and welfare. It sounds really good. It emphasizes the importance of social programs for health, education, and welfare. Government provides these through taxes on the citizens. So, like if you had an income of $50,000, I'm just saying if you paid
You had $50,000 a year that you made and you paid 30% in taxes, you would have to pay fifteen thousand dollars into the government programs. But the government's gonna help take care of all kinds of things. Now, in truly socialism, it's probably gonna be higher because you have a lot of extra offerings from the government. Now, if you had an income of $200,000, now is that rich? Is that considered to be rich? I don't know.
Income is $200,000 a year and you pay 30%, the same thing. You pay $60,000 and you contribute $60,000 into the government programs. So the wealthier people contribute, right there, they contribute four times as much as the other person. That means they're helping to provide for many, many government programs. Although government will control how much you are paid.
in order to share the wealth equally. There'll be some control on on pay. I do know that when COVID hit, literally after COVID, because nobody wanted to work, we all got to stay home and we liked it. But I'm like, how do people pay their bills if they weren't doing anything or they weren't working still? And in twenty one there were
Compensations given to families, people with kids, extra want, extra compensations and different monies and compensation to not go back to work, especially in some states and different areas, in order to try to keep COVID down. And people didn't want to go back to work. I had a friend in a travel agency and she said, my people are mad at me because I'm like, we got to go back to work because you know people are starting to travel again. And they didn't want to come back to work.
Because they had been compensated more than they were making at work. Yeah. We all could get lazy. I got lazy in COVID. I didn't want to go anywhere. And I love to go and do things. All right. Five, workers' rights. Focus on protecting the rights and interests of workers. Well, that sounds needed, definitely. And we do have that on both sides of the coin. The big divide here is that companies may not be able to choose the workers, the quality workers.
We talked about that earlier, giving lower quality products. We've seen that happen, meaning things break and you have to buy them more often. But workers' rights are important.
It's meeting in the middle. What's good for the business? What's very important for the worker? when we go to work for somebody, somebody built their business. They put in the sweat equity and the education and the investment of money. They did everything. And then they hired people to come work for them. That's us, the workers. Six, redistributed, can't say it. Redistribution of wealth.
Advocates for taxes and policies that redistribute wealth to benefit the less fortunate. This is part of socialism. And if that's your thing, you like that statement. Which side of the coin are you on? Depends whether this looks good to you. Seven, community and cooperation encourages collaboration and community support over individual competition. Encourages collaboration.
And community support over individual competition. Community and cooperation. All right. so AI gave socialism gave me three the three top countries for socialism, and it was China, Cuba, and Vietnam. And they were in, they were the top three for for AI. All right.
What were your views in these two areas? Did you get irritated at me? I hope you're still listening. Because it is important to listen to both sides. And whenever I have a question on something, you know, I I look it up. I try to make sure I have a reliable source. I think about it. I put myself in the place of the business. I put myself in the place of the government, even thinking about how they have to manage everything. Boy, do I not agree with a lot of this stuff like budgeting.
and it seems like they don't get things done that I think that they should be able to. If we ran our government the way a business, a successful business runs, boy, would it be different. I think we'll have to pray about that. On getting our government back to the basics, back to honesty, back to what's best for the people. Well,
Seven ways couples can create a safe loving space. If they're having these differences, it's real. It can end a marriage. It can make life miserable in your home when you truly don't agree with things and you can't see eye to eye. So ask yourself these questions. Number one.
Let me just look at this.
Established ground rules. What respectful communication guidelines can you agree on to ensure both people feel safe during discussions?
How can you be respectful of one another? What can you agree on? And I think number two really helps with that. Active listening. How can you practice listening to understand rather than just to respond? And what would that look like in your conversations? Well, active listening is probably one of the biggest challenges in marriage because
We listen to respond while the other person is talking. Maybe they started in on a topic we didn't agree with, and we're already calculating our answer before we finish listening to the other person. They then feel disrespected because we're not listening. I've done it, my husband's done it. You know, we've been married many, many years, and yes, it happens to all of us. But when we're really disagreeing and we're having a lot of arguments, we have to stop and really listen.
With respect, the respect that we would want to have ourselves. I like to be listened to. I like to have the person's eyes. I like to know they're listening intently, that they're part of the conversation. And so one thing that you can do is ask questions. Well, why do you feel that way? And why do you think that's a benefit here or a benefit there? Think of questions so that you can clarify.
And you have to watch your tone of voice. Yeah. So when we're talking, we have to take a breath, blow out, we have to stay calm, and we have to be intent on finding out truly how our spouse feels about that and why they feel that way, and really try to see their side and see their point of view. Really, whether it's capitalism or whether it's socialism.
Whatever it is, we want to see their side. This makes them feel appreciated and heard. And we ask them to do the same for us. So establish ground rules. The first be in learning to listen. The third one, focus on your common values. yeah, you liked something about each other when you got married, right? Can you identify your shared beliefs or values, the ones that unite you?
And how might these serve as a foundation for your discussions? You know, what do you have in common? And you may be shaking your head because you're disgusted with your spouse and you're like, we don't have anything in common anymore. Yeah, you do. You had something in common, but you know, anger, frustration, bitterness, it's like a growth. It's like mold. Whenever a tomato or apple or any
you know, any kind of food starts to get a little bit of mold on it. If you ever notice, if you don't clip off that mold, if you don't get rid of it, it starts to grow and grow and grow until that piece of fruit or tomato or whatever it is is destroyed. It's turned into mush. And you don't want that for your marriage. You don't want it turned into mush. And you don't want to wait till it's too late. Too often people wait too long. Do you need a mediator? Do you under
Do you need to understand more about each other? I have at the Extraordinary Marriage an online class and it is on demand. All you have to do is pay for it and go through the course. It is called rediscover your spouse. You will first begin to understand yourself and your top emotions, why you respond the way you do, why you act the way you do, your strengths.
Your challenges, your blind spots. And then as you first learn about yourself, because that's the first person we think of, right? you're you'll start to learn about your spouse. And you'll start to understand your spouse. And you'll understand why they react the way they do. Nothing to do with politics, but you'll understand how they think and act and respond differently than you do. And that's called rediscover your spouse. Simple, print the sh print the guides.
Go through the class, go through it again if you need to, and then share it with your spouse. You go first. All right, let's see where we were. Active listening, common values. Number four, set aside time for discussions. And when you are both fresh, rested, and you're in the mood to talk. Yeah. Don't sit down when you're exhausted at the end of the day and have conversations. Make sure you're both fresh.
Rested and in your best mood. Make a decision when you're going to sit down and have conversations. And the more conversations and the more different things you do together, the more you have in common and the more are things that bring you together. And then the things like politics won't divide you in such a big way. Number five, seek to be understood. What questions can you ask to clarify your partner's perspective before sharing your own?
Let me read that one again. Seek to understand what questions. I said that earlier. Can you ask to clarify your partner's perspective before sharing your own? Don't be loud. Don't be sarcastic. Be understanding. Really listen to understand. Number six, agree to disagree. Yeah, sometimes you have to do that. Agree to disagree. How can you recognize the
And embrace the idea that it's okay to have different views while still maintaining love and respect for one another. Is there a clear reason your spouse feels and believes the way they do? Agree to disagree. I think one of my sayings on that, like is a lot of times when I'm working on something, I say, well, good enough. And I think that, you know what, when we've had a discussion, then maybe it was a heated discussion, and I'm thinking,
He's not really listening to me. Well, you know what? I have to agree to disagree. I'm like, okay, whatever. And I'm thinking, good enough. That's my other word. Whatever. I'm thinking, okay, whatever. I'm moving on. Number seven, prioritize relationship. In what ways can you remind each other that your relationship is important and that political views, especially during challenging conversations, just don't matter so much. So how about
Make sure I'm the right spot. how about developing a funny word? I heard this a long time ago. Something that just you and your spouse share that you know when the word's said, it's like a I think something used to be said like uncle, like I give. But it could be not a I give, but hey, truce, truce. a word I like, I don't know, I like monkeys.
So I might say monkey. maybe and it has to be something that you don't usually use in a conversation. So think of some kind of funny word, you know, lighten up a little bit and have that word that when the discussion just gets too deep, it's time to just say that code word. And that, okay, let's stop and we'll take this up again later. Good enough. Whatever, letting go.
So as we close today's episode, I want to share five reasons why I believe in capitalism and cherish the freedom that it provides. I hope you'll listen. My husband and I have been on the side of barely paying the bills, having to watch every penny, and still going into debt many, many times when we were younger, over and over, squeezing that paycheck a little more and then having to pay off that debt. Yeah.
Every time we would spend too much, we then had to pay off that debt. Paying it off is empowering. Like if you're paying it off a little bit, there's the Dave Ramsey method. Paying it off a little bit at a time. It's empowering. And then you remember how you have to set that budget, aka spending plan. I like the word spending plan better. And in our late 40s, we borrowed and bought rental property.
Good management is important and we worked very hard for years wondering if it was all worth it. You know, we spent a lot of time repainting, reflooring, cleaning out unbelievable messes that people left. But finally, it was worth it. Just in the last few years, and I'm getting near retirement age, okay? So giving us some breathing room as we get close to retirement and a little, you know,
We've been able to pay off things because of our hard work and our investment back then. So make sure you have some money. Invest some money, buy your home, and share a little love with others. And the beginning of that was a lot, not make sure you have some money, but make sure you save some money, invest some money, buy a home, and share a little with others. I think that's a a good method, you know.
Have a spending plan and save a little money, give a little money, you know, spend a little money, invest a little money. All right, so let me finish with five thoughts. Personal responsibility. Capitalism encourages individuals to take charge of their success, fostering a sense of accountability and empowerment, you know, satisfaction in a good hard day's work.
Satisfaction in moving up the ladder, satisfaction in changing jobs and making more money, satisfaction in overcoming number two, innovation and creativity. The competitive nature of capitalism drives innovation, allowing people to think outside the box and create new solutions that benefit society. You know, during the last year as
The internet has gotten bigger and bigger. And you might not be old enough to remember when it first came along. And you're like, what am I supposed to do with that? but in the last years, I've learned to build my own web page and have my own The Extraordinary Marriage podcast so that I could put it out to you. So I could put it out ways that you can make your marriage better because families and people are somehow important to me. I think it's a God given thing. It's like,
They're important to me, and I've seen lots of hurt and I've seen lots of success. But innovation and creativity have allowed me to go online and put my thoughts out online. And I have the freedom to do that. I have the freedom to work hard and invest in myself. And let me tell you, I invested some money in myself to get where I am.
And I've invested lots of time and sweat equity, even when I was exhausted and tired. But it's innovation and creativity, and I'm allowed to do that. Number three, opportunity for all. Capitalism creates a landscape where anyone with determination and creative creativity can succeed, breaking down barriers and promoting social mobility. So it doesn't matter where you start, but where you finish.
So it gives you everyone that opportunity who wants to do their best. You know, that starts in school with little kids, right? No matter where you're going to school. It starts with parents encouraging their kids, rewarding their kids for good behavior. That's all another story. I have lots of podcasts on all kinds of things on blended families and how to how to build a stronger family, happier family, all kinds of stuff. All right, wealth creation number four.
A capitalist economy generates wealth, enabling individuals to enjoy a higher standard of living and contribute to their communities by choice. Give my money here, I give my money there. Who do I want to help with my money? Being being giving is an important thing in life, but wealth creation. I remember many years ago, you know, everybody was trying to figure out how to become wealthy, how to make a lot of money.
I mean, that's what you did whenever you decided what you wanted to do for your job in life. You know, well, this is not gonna make much money, and that's gonna make a lot of money. And sometimes people choose a career that maybe they didn't enjoy as much because they wanted to make a lot of money. And some people choose the career that is satisfying and they may not make the same money as they would like on that. But building wealth was an important thing. It's an American thing, it's it's the kind of thing.
Because you're able, because you're allowed, because it's there for you. And people sometimes work two or three jobs trying to create wealth. Well, I'm not sure. 13, 14 years ago, I dare say, all of a sudden I can't think of the name. But there was a man who ran for president and he was very wealthy, like maybe 14 years ago. Very, very wealthy, and they used that against him.
He's wealthy. He doesn't understand, you know, you because you are working paycheck to paycheck and he doesn't understand you. Well, many wealthy people are self-made, meaning they started at the bottom and they had to work their way up. And so they understand better than anybody else. They know what it takes to build wealth and to run a company and to do those kind of things. But every since that year, where wealth was
Poo-pooed. Does nobody want to make good money? Yeah. ever since then it seems like they use that. If a person is wealthy, they don't understand you. I don't think that's true. And there are people who got wealth from their parents or their grandparents and they've been you know well off all their life and they may not understand. And if the if things have just been passed to them and they hadn't had to work for them at all, they don't understand.
And that's where, you know, wealth creation is important. I think it's important to most of us. We want to strive to do the best that we can do. And number five, voluntary exchange. In a capitalist system, individuals have the freedom to make choices about their work and how to spend their money fostering a sense of autonomy and personal freedom. I believe in freedom.
I like freedom. I don't like to be told what to do. I do like to be protected. I do like to live within the rules that protect all people. But I like freedom. I like to have make my own choices, have my own thoughts, create new ideas, new solutions, ways of doing things. And that's what America is about. In contrast, while socialism aims to promote equality and community support, it can sometimes limit personal freedom and individual initiative.
Higher taxes are charged on wages and home ownership in order to offer free services in the community. It's essential to find a balance between these two ideologies, ensuring that we respect different beliefs while prioritizing our relationships and our families. Prioritizing
Our relationships, the people around us, our family, our friends. It's okay to think difference. Thank you for joining me today for the marriage debate, love beyond politics. I hope you found valuable insights and tools to create a loving space in your marriage, even amidst political disagreements. Until next time, remember to listen first and that love is the ultimate.
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