Navigating the Effects of Childhood Trauma in Marriage

Marriage is a beautiful union that thrives

on mutual love and understanding.

However, for many couples, childhood experiences — especially trauma — can cast long shadows over their marital lives. Recognizing and addressing these effects not only strengthens your relationship but also ensures a healthier family dynamic for future generations.

The Legacy of Childhood Trauma

We often pass on what we know. If we grew up surrounded by adversity, that’s what we unintentionally bring into our marriages. Conversely, if we experienced love and understanding, those are the gifts we pass on to our partners and children. It’s crucial to be aware of these patterns and decide to take action to break the cycle.

Taking the First Step

Awareness is the first step toward healing. Once you acknowledge the influence of childhood trauma on your marriage, you can take proactive steps to address it. The good news? With conscious effort, most marriages can overcome these challenges.

The Role of Behavior Styles

Every person deals with emotions differently. Some close up, while others may be open and discuss freely. Understanding your behavior styles — both your own and your partner’s — can help you better support each other. Here are ten adverse effects of childhood trauma on marriage and ways to overcome them:

1 — Trust Issues

Overcome it with: Open communication. Listen to one another patiently. Initiate small, honest conversations that gradually build trust. Ask yourself, has this person done anything causing me to not trust them?

2 — Communication Barriers

Overcome it with: Active listening. Focus on really hearing your partner without judgment or interruption.

3 — Fear of Abandonment

Overcome it with: Reassurance. Regularly affirm your commitment to each other. Remember what brought you together.

4 — Difficulty Expressing Feelings

Overcome it with: Emotional vocabulary. Learn and practice expressing emotions in a safe space. Empathize by putting yourself in your spouse's shoes.

5 — Conflict Avoidance

Overcome it with: Healthy conflict resolution. Create a plan for addressing disagreements constructively, making it a SAFE place to open up. Choose a safe work... like Monkey, that either of you can use when things get out of hand. Monkey means, stop and reassess.

6 — Perfectionism

Overcome it with: Acceptance. Celebrate progress over perfection and acknowledge each other’s efforts. Keeping your focus on what IS working, helps.

7 — Dependency Issues

Overcome it with: Practice independence. Encourage each other’s personal growth and individual pursuits.

8 — Low Self-esteem

Overcome it with: Positive reinforcement. Highlight each other’s strengths and achievements. You are teammates!

9 — Difficulty Showing Affection

Overcome it with: Physical touch. Experiment with small gestures of affection to build comfort. Learn about what you NEED most from one another.

10 — Fear of Intimacy

Overcome it with: Gradual closeness. Foster intimacy through shared activities and quality time, builds trust.

Reflecting on my own experience, I realized the challenges childhood trauma can bring into marriage, when my own kids got married. My husband and I were blessed with similar Christian backgrounds, which taught us love, forgiveness, and kindness. Yet, as our children found their own partners, we witnessed the impact of family differences. Through prayer, understanding how people are different, and using tools to meet our loved ones where they were at, we learned to bridge these gaps.

Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. There is help, and your marriage can thrive. Take action today by tuning into this week’s podcast on The Extraordinary Marriage. Let’s work together to create a future filled with love and understanding.

Here are several podcast sharing thoughts on parenting.

Eps. 57 Childhood Trauma

What's your parenting style?

10 Gifts of Great Parenting

Creating Successful Blended Families

You can also Subscribe on Spotify & Apple Podcast

I help individuals find ways to improve their understanding and communication with their spouse.

With belief in you,

Relationship Coach, Connie Durham

Faith * Family * Fortified