Common Stages of Marriage

Common Stages of Marriage

By Connie Durham, The Extraordinary Marriage

   What is it they say… Hindsight is 20/20.  Well, that’s what you have when you’ve been married 46 years, my 46th anniversary will be June 23^rd.  As I look back, I can tell you Marriage is not a destination, but a journey.

   Way too often, more attention is given to wedding plans and the honeymoon, than to talking and planning your life together.  I know we didn’t talk much about that before we were married.  It was a time of passion, optimism, and planning where to live, figuring out budgets and who would do what in running the household, bank account, and we hadn’t even talked about kids.

   We were running on we what expected for the future.  A well-functioning family life and we were lucky, we got it!  Our families were both similar, Christian, hardworking, well mannered, nurturing, and cared about others.  Neither of us bucked the system… the family system of doing what your parents told you to do.  (Pretty much) So we didn’t have to deal with wrong decisions, where we had to dig ourselves out of trouble.  Our Personalities were respectful of one another, we naturally got along well and easily picked up the duties of husband and wife, combined our moneys, agreed on how to spend, who would do what, and became involved in our church as a couple. 

We were lucky!  We had these two things… Similar upbringing and complimentary personalities on our side. 

But what happens if you DON’T?  Fireworks!

As a newlywed, did you have the abilities to work through the Fireworks?

Did you have a support team… like your parents or friends?

Someone who brought peace by bringing a different perspective?

One of the #1 remedies to Fireworks within your marriage is to be able to SEE things from the other person’s point of view.  Developing perspective.  Put on the SHOES of the other person.  How does their day look?  What are they dealing with at home or at work?  How do you keep growing your relationship, understanding one another, creating a lasting, supportive relationship?  Naturally, most of us are thinking about ourselves.  True?

With the hindsight of 46 years of marriage, kids, kids getting married, and several blended families, I will tell you all families are not alike and the more you understand about your past experiences and your God given personality styles… the easier yours will be.  Things will begin to go a bit smoother when you truly understand one another.  That’s where my program, ReDISCover your Spouse comes in.  For now, let’s talk about a few of those stages.

#1 – The Honeymoon Stage where passion is high, you’re on cloud nine and you’re pretty tolerant to one another’s differences.   You want to look good to your spouse, right?

#2 – After a few years reality sets in as you begin noticing temperaments, nitpicking, expectations and maybe a little one has come along changing the love and passion dynamics. Like time for each other and responsibilities for a little human.  Now’s the time to UP your communication and support each other.  Keeping in tune will help each of you respond to each other’s needs, continue to nurture your relationship and keep you on the course of happily married.

#3 – Raising your family and again, staying in tune with each other.  Now everything you do in your home pours into your kids.  It’s even more important to seek help if you feel unheard, frustrated, or there’s constant conflict.  One thing is keeping your spouse as your number one, setting aside time together and continuing to grow in thought, planning and dreaming together, and developing that closeness as a couple.  Pay attention to any division that comes up.  Communication is key.

What I’ve found is that some of us are more open than others.  This is a part of personality.  You may refer to it as introverts and extroverts.  If you are an introvert or married to an introvert, it’s harder to open up the conversations.  While the extrovert shares most every thought and feeling, the introvert does not.  This will take extra effort and patience but is most important in keeping continued growth between you.  Understanding your spouse’s personality enables you to open up to each other.

#4 – If you’ve done it right, becoming an empty-nester will be glorious!  You are back to the honeymoon stage.  No kids around, you now know each other very well and enjoy being together.  It’s all about YOU again!  You have more money because you’re not spending it on kids.  (This is after you’ve paid off the wedding expenses.)  Hopefully you’ve continued finding things you like to do together, because now you have time.

   Here’s the thing with hindsight, I can see why we’ve had a pretty easy journey and why others with different upbrings and personalities that rub each other wrong, either don’t make it or live in misery.  I’ve seen this with my married kids.  It’s a fact of life that you either acknowledge and successfully work through or ignore and live through a lot of hurt.

I don’t know about you but keeping life positive and enjoyable, and passing that along to my kids, grandkids, and new friends… that’s you, are most important to me.

I’m Connie Durham, I live in the suburbs of Atlanta, GA

I’m a Wife, Mom, Nana, Speaker, & Relationship Coach

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