Finding Wisdom, Personal Power, and Confidence in Marriage

Jamie Foxx and Alyce Huckstepp — who were first linked in 2022 — have broken up. 3/3/25

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Finding Wisdom, Personal Power, and Confidence in Marriage
By Connie Durham
Host of “The Extraordinary Marriage” podcast

I not the fighting type, but at the age of wisdom, I’ve realized you’ve gotta fight for somethings or fall into defeat! I was told a few weeks ago that I had a frozen shoulder. What is that? Well, it’s when you move your arm in normal way and an abnormal shooting, throbbing pain, runs all through your arm, taking your breath away.

What happens when something hurts. We don’t do… what ever it is that makes it hurt.
What happens when you stop moving your shoulder? Your movement gets smaller and smaller until it freezes. You’re using your other arm for everything, in order to compensate! Shall I say you need both arms. I was chatting with one of the kids yesterday at an afterschool program I volunteer in. The child said, oh, I don’t use my other hand. I proceeded to share with her all the ways you use your other hand that you don’t even think of… until you don’t have use of it anymore. Like opening a jar… holding it with one hand and screwing off the top with the other?

Therapy has been shared with me and now it’s up to me to do it, so that I can get full use of my arm back. Do you think I’m doing it? Yes of course… I’m an active person and living fully everyday is important to me, so I will do what I need to several times a day… because I want each and every day of my life to be lived to it’s fullest. I’m going to fight for it!

Why then, when things get tough in our relationships do we find ourselves giving up? Are you tired of the same ole thing? You have no idea how to switch it up? Your spouse is not willing to listen, engage and work on it with you? Hurting people hurt others. If they can’t get their own head straight, how do you think they are going to meet you in the middle?

It’s up to us to find a way, make a way.

So what do you do when you feel your marriage is Frozen up?
Are there cold shoulders, criticism, hot tempers, little interest in listening or spending time with one another?

I do find prayer my first place of engagement. Believing that God’s got my back and is there to comfort me, lead me and guide me, gives me hope. AKA I’m a Baptist Christian since birth and this relationship also… has taken time and practice to be what it is today.
How else can I fight if I feel alone?

Someone around you has had the same problems you’re experiencing, just no one talks about it. Social media family photos make it appear every family is perfect. We both know that is never true. Every family has its ups and downs and someone you know will be there for you if you’ll open up. Be sure it’s a trustworthy person and they give loving, proactive advice.  Are they where you'd like to be.  You don’t need anyone else taking you down.

Are you willing to fight for your relationship? Search for the root causes? Look past the pain of your daily experiences?

Here’s “How to Change: Awareness, Expression, and Forgiveness”, taken from “The Hoffman Process”, put into my own words.

 
1. What are some things that really annoy you about your spouse?
a. Overcritical, nagging, distant or closed down?
b. Do they make you feel ignored, discounted, worthless?
c. Are they bossy, manipulative, or stubborn?
d. Are you truly bugged when they play hopeless, martyr or victim?

2. Make a written list of the three biggest complaints. Was it money, in-laws, responsibilities, and how did it make you feel. Write it down.

3. Now pin down your reaction… was it distrust, feeling needy, did you go on the attack?

4. Could there be something causing you to relate to old hurts, are you doing what you think is expected of you, did someone put you down, take your power living you feeling helpless?

5. Could you be getting what you expect to get. What you got in the past. Is there a way you could move past this old baggage. Does your spouse deserve this from you.

It takes two to tango and in a relationship, we must first be aware of our own behavior and responses in order to bridge the gap between ourselves, our history, and our spouse and their history. Ready to start anew? Begin with “The Chemistry of Lasting Love”, a free resource you’ll find at “The Extraordinary Marriage”. The fight is yours to win. www.theextraordinarymarriage.com/5needs