Are you Married to the Disciplinarian or the Comic?

I was just thinking how thankful I am that my husband and I both have a sense of humor. It starts with me, I laugh when I get nervous, embarrassed, and I simply see life with humor. That does NOT mean I laugh at everything or that I’m in a good mood all the time. Our mood and our outlook definitely color how we relate to our spouse. We either spread sunshine or gloom.

Like, I didn’t laugh when my youngest child was a senior in high school, and responsibilities were less and less and freedom was in sight, until a close relative went a wall and lost their kids to foster care. It’s like one day my own kids were independent and the next we were in court picking up 2 young children and stepping back into parenting for over two years. I hate to say it but, I was stuck in the gloom… during that time.

But… typically my sense of humor bubbles up most every day. We laugh a lot. My husband said the other day, “You make me laugh”. I think I see most of life through a multi-colored psychedelic lens. I believe in sunshine, treating every person with love and respect and when someone acts nasty, I figure they’ve had a bad day or a troubled childhood.

Yes, people bring the pain and perspectives of troubled childhoods along for the ride and unwillingly allow it to color how they see life and treat their spouse and others. I say unwilling, because it’s all they know, it’s what was modeled for them growing up, they’re unaware of HOW to fix it. If that’s a problem, seek help because it won’t just disappear. It will continue to destroy your relationship.

Last Fall my jubilant, energetic husband had four weeks of jaw pain that included 5 dentist trips, 3 doctor trips, and 2 emergency room visits. He was in pain, couldn’t sleep, but kept going to work and doing all the things, as best he could. We went camping during our anniversary week and he was in pain. We went kayaking when his Advil was in full force, but we took it easy that week and laughed when we could. I did not have any humorous thoughts when it occurred to me… “How do we get this big camper home, if he can’t do it”. That was a scary thought… pulling a 32-foot trailer home with me driving. No way, Jose!!

I tell you all of this because some people don’t know how to lighten up. Maybe one of their parents was a stiff disciplinarian where everything was about rules, perfect behavior and A’s at school. Picture a drill Sargent. Or… they were raised where nobody talked at the table, mainly because the parent themselves didn’t want to hear it and add to that… the ability to do anything right, could not be obtained no matter how hard they tried. All of this is a particular personality stye and can only be overcome when light is shed on the problem and a decision is made to light up, then action is taken in order to create new habits.

Every single person needs to feel loved, appreciated, and understood. When you have fun together, searching for things you have in common, and you keep a positive attitude, finding humor is easier.

Why not do that tonight? Search out new things that you both enjoy doing together. Learn to look at the bright side. Focus on what you like about each other. You might have forgotten.

I find couples that are in the CRAZY CYCLE,

irritated with each other, waiting for the next ax to fall,

ready to jump on the next argument, are missing ONE big element.

Besides not understanding how their personalities bring them love and joy or cause them to repeal one another, they are MISSING the mark on making their spouse feel loved and appreciated. I promise you will find answers in “The Chemistry of Lasting Love”. It’s a gift… It’s your first line of defense… besides prayer to God of course.

Ready to stay out of the CRAZY CYCLE?

Get it here – www.theextraordinarymarriage.com/5NEEDS 

Connie Durham
Host of “The Extraordinary Marriage Podcast”