Post Valentines: Getting Along with your Spouse?

Valentines was just a few days ago and even though I KNOW my husband and I are simply wired differently… I still get frustrated! I think of myself as logical and intuitive… this coupled with simple common sense says, pay attention and remember what I like and don’t like. That’s what I do for you. Anyone agree?

But his wiring is Servanthood, also called the S Style and he not only wants to please me, but everyone else in his path. As we all know, you cannot please all the people all the time. So, I’m going to say he’s simply spread thin, and can’t remember what I like or what’s most important to me. Did I say, we’ve been married over 40 years, with grown kids and grandkids, and my expertise is in understanding how different personality styles mesh? Sorry guys but is this just a man thing?

Everybody's born with a specific personality style (DISC) and add to that your childhood and the expectations of your parents, and you get the perception you have in the world around you today.

Your personality style predicts if you’re emotional or strictly logical. Your unique style predicts how much you like to be around people, how creative or factual you are, If you love adventure or prefer your comfy recliner. I bet you didn’t pay attention to these things before you tied the knot! It was all there, but you were in love and love blurs your logical thinking. Let me tell you about the 4 predictable styles of people.
 

When couples understand who’s the boss (D – Dominate), there’s a lot less conflict. You might as well not fight it, but you could learn how to make your case without being demanding yourself, (Which sets off the D) and still manage to get your way.
It might be that one of you is impulsive and can turn on a dime, making the other feel like the rug has been pulled out from under them. This would be the Impulsive I style and its opposite style, the Conscientious C who lives by the rules, very little change, and the truth as they see it.

Often a critical spirit, anger and sarcasm begin to cause hurt and disconnect in marriage causing “The Crazy Cycle”. That’s where each personality begins to react with their own defense mechanism, causing such frustration on both sides that they become irritated at everything their spouse does. It’s a full circle of trouble that just keeps going round and round like a hamster wheel with neither spouse knowing how to stop the wheel. This can go on for years and years until there’s a hard stop and someone makes the decision that they can’t take it anymore.

Recognize what’s causing the problem and learn to see it for what it is. A defense mechanism and every personality style has one.  You can create your own beautiful portrait of marriage by giving more attention to what you like about your spouse and tapping into one another’s strengths. You each have life-giving qualities and draining qualities. I often use the analogy of the LOVE BANK where you grow your account or shrink it.

Any of this ring a bell? If it did, join me for the...

“ReDISCover Your Spouse” Workshop, where you can finally move past what divides you and embrace what brought you together in the first place. You’ll learn powerful concepts, that you'll use in all of your relationships, kids, parents, friends, and even work. Join from anywhere, it’s online. www.theextraordinarymarriage.com/rediscover 
Connie Durham
The Relationship Transformer
The Extraordinary Marriage Podcast