Why You're Having Trouble with your In-Laws

I'm always saying that bringing different personalities and backgrounds together in marriage can be challenging, but what happens when the In-laws don't cut the umbilical cord?

Just picture Husband on the Left side of the couch...

his parents in the middle...

and the wife on the right side of the couch. 

There's a big distance between husband and wife.  Everything he thinks or says to his wife, has to go through the parents first.  She feels like an outsider.  Romantic love is impossible.  They become distant, combative, resentful.

This happens way too often.  Why is it?  Here are a few thoughts.

• Control - Are the parents being self-centered, don't have faith in the abilities of their grown kid, disrespecting or don't like the new spouse, or are they just ignorant in how destructive this is to the new relationship? 
• Narcissistic Behavior - Parents are controlling and manipulative, jealous of the spouse, insist on being the top priority, they meddle in decisions, criticizing, & disrespect anything the spouse says
  • They make their grown kid codependent
  • Self-doubting, having low self-worth
  • Unable to draw boundaries... causing stress & conflict in their marriage
• Too Much Love - Smothering, around multiple times every week, drop in, want to know everything, help too much, they are oblivious in the harm they are causing

Peacefully talk about this and express your feelings to one another.  Keep in mind that the spouse that's overly attached to their parents has grown up with these people and knows no difference.  Be kind and diplomatic.  Start with one thing at a time and slowly move in and gather your independence together or both of you sit down with the parents, and loving tell them, you appreciate all their help but you're working on making decisions together as you move forward.  You might say... like you did when you got married.  

Just like I teach in the 'ReDISCover Your Spouse' workshop, different personalities will HEAR what you say from a different perspective.   

Some will...

• Not take it well... and come back at your hard
• Some will thank you for telling them, they had not realized it was causing trouble
• Some will argue why you need them to guide you

Smile, be loving, take a deep breath and stick together.  Do take into account what they tell you, does it make sense, is it good advice, does it work well for the two of you, take what is good advice and let go of what is not.  If they've had a good relationship themselves, they may have wisdom worth listening to.

Build bridges, family is Gods way, but not every family is the same.

Love First!

Connie Durham, Atlanta Suburbs

Relationship Coach, Speaker, Wife, Mom, Nana

The Extraordinary Marriage Podcast